Dear Alcohoooooooool

I thought I’d take a minute to discuss some troubling factors with you. First and foremost, let me tell you that I’m a huge fan of yours. Your many sides and dimensions are mind-boggling (different than beer goggling, which I’ll touch upon shortly.) Yes, my friend, you always seem to be there when needed: the perfect post-work cocktail, a beer with the game…and you’re even around in the holidays: Hidden inside chocolates you warm me when am stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. Yet lately, I’ve been wondering about your intentions.

You see, I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, but I feel that your influence has led to unwise consequences, briefed below for your review:

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important,I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity occurs after 3 am. Why would you make me call those ex-girlfriends when i know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night.

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal and, though cooking is far from my specialty, why you suggested that I eat a kebab with chilli sauce coupled with a pot noodle and some stale crisps (washed down with chocolate nesquik and topped off with a Kit Kat) is beyond me. Eclectic eater I am, but I think you went a bit too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you’re subtly trying to tell me I need to do yoga more to increase my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down the stairs. Completely unnecessary, and the black and blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly,it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Pictures: This is a blessing in disguise, as it can often clarify the last point below, but the following costumes are heretofore banned from being placed on my head in public: Indian Wigs,Sombreros, Bows, Ties, Boxes, upside-down cups, inflatable balloon animals, traffic cones, bras.

5. Beer Goggles: If I think I may know him/her from somewhere, I most likely do not. PLEASE do not request that I go over and see if in fact, I do actually know that person. This is similar to the old “Hey, you’re in my class” syndrome EX MAY1999 Mayflower , and should heretofore be rendered illegal. Coupled with this is the phrase “Let’s shag.” While I may be thinking this, please reinstate the brain-to-mouth block that would keep this thought from being a statement, especially in public.

Further, the subsequent hangovers have GOT to stop. Come on now, it’s only fair-you do your part, I’ll do mine.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our relationship for some years now, and want to ensure that we remain on good terms. You’ve been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when we just don’t know what to do with the extra money in our pockets. In order to continue this relationship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above and address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday at 17.59pm (pre happy hour) on your possible solutions and hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

am happy alot of things in this has changed from the tym i wrote this 2yrs ago !! any wayz we all agree there is a touch of greatness in every Man !!!

Comments are welcomed 

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By midevodka

7 comments on “Dear Alcohoooooooool

  1. surely my friend udeme is a great man 4 giving u such insight, cnt stop laughing, blessed are the wine makers and beer brewers , 4 d randyness,marathon hangover e.g 4getn ur own weddn day, 4 lettn us loyal fans see things others cant see, makn us want 2 spend without a reason, dancing without a song and d best of all the shagging and laughs

  2. Hangovers have got to stop! lmao.. that’s just a souvenir joo! lol.. n yh.. calling ex-girlfriends… dt was hilarious!

  3. lmao @ ‘lets shag’.tru words tho.feel u on d eclectic eating thing,i’v eaten some nasty shit in my time.dont be mad at the alcohol tho. u kno what they say: “time is never wasted when you’re wasted all the time”;-)

  4. Dear alcohol, I hope u’ve heard my friend? and pls talk to ur best friend, weed [dope, Johnny blaze, blau] too………

    Thank u for inspiring this great piece too, at least now I know why the idiots call and want to shag even at oddest of times.

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